


To the Boy I loved

by wanderluxter



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Adorable Alec Lightwood, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Confused Jace Wayland, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, He regrets it now, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Jace Wayland Needs A Hug, M/M, One Shot, Parabatai, Plot Twists, Protective Jace Wayland, Romance, Short Alec Lightwood, jace was a jerk, major plot twist at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-28 00:10:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17172131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderluxter/pseuds/wanderluxter
Summary: Becoming head of institute was supposed to be a happy thing, but Jace could never forget the mistake he had made three years ago.





	To the Boy I loved

It was a significant day for the New York Institute and an even more so for a certain someone. Dressed in his black suit, blonde hair nicely gelled, Jace looked magnificent like he always does. After checking himself one last time in the mirror, smoothening out the creases in his outfit, he headed out of his room in the institute to the main hall where everyone will witness his important day. It was the day he had been working hard for- the day he officially assumed the role as head of the New York Institute.  
The main hall was beautifully decorated. The hall was filled with many shadowhunters and a few important downworlder figures. It’s been a challenging time but the clave has managed to rebuild some of the ties they had with the downworld after Valentine’s defeat.  
“Jace there you are! We were afraid you weren’t going to show up!” Isabelle managed to catch hold of him amidst the crowd of shadowhunters. She looked stunning in her black mini dress and hair done in loose curls.  
“Of course I would be here, why wouldn’t I be?” the blonde chuckled. They were soon joined by Simon and Clary, the pair hand in hand.  
“Hey man, congrats on becoming head of institute!” the vampire patted Jace’s back which he responded to with a smile and a small ‘thanks’. The four of them chatted for a while before Simon left to grab some drinks for him and Clary and Isabelle going off to attend to some stuff at the party, leaving Jace and Clary alone. There was a short awkward of silence before Clary decided to break it.  
“How have you been?”  
“I’ve been… well, I guess,” Jace replied, but the red head could sense the tinge of sadness he tried to hide.  
“He would be very proud of you,”  
Jace sighed as he pictured the blue eyes that always looked at him with adoration. The blue eyes he knows he will never see again.  
“Fellow shadowhunters and our honored guests, let us now put our hands together to welcome our new Head of Institute!” Loud applause and cheers followed as Jace walked up to the podium to give his first speech as Head of the New York Institute.  
The blonde took in the sight before him. All these people, who he would eventually lead and serve at the same time. It was something he has never dreamt of. After his countless trainings, tough missions, defeating Valentine, this was supposed to be his proudest moment. Yet, something seems to be missing. He looked up to the glass ceiling. The sky was decorated with a million shinning stars and he was sure he was one of them. With a deep breath, he began his speech.  
“I would like to thank all of you here for making time for coming down to celebrate this important day with me. I would not be here today if it weren’t for all of you. I would like to give special thanks to Isabelle and my friends who have been believing in me and have been by my side when we were fighting against Valentine’s forces,” Jace looked fondly to Isabelle, Clary and Simon who smiled proudly at him. He went on to acknowledge the efforts of certain people such as Luke and Magnus who has helped him re-establish ties with the downworld.  
“But most importantly, I want to thank a special someone,” he looked firmly at the crowd.  
“This person isn’t here with us today and it has been my deepest regret for not telling him just how much he meant to me,” he barely managed to hide the crack in his voice.  
A somber atmosphere followed, previously happy faces soon turned into a downcast. Isabelle’s eyes started brimming with tears. Seeing this, Clary wrapped her arms around her friend to comfort her. Jace took a deep breath before he continued, talking about a mistake he that he would always regret…

[Flashback]

Stepping foot into the building, the blonde child was amazed with his new environment. Golden eyes shone with curiosity as he took in the intricate carvings and murals of angels and respectable shadowhunters on the walls. As he wondered into the training area, his attention was caught by a small figure in the center of the room, who appears to be shooting arrows.  
Upon looking up, the boy had the most magnificent pair of blue eyes he had ever seen. Soft black hair framing his small face perfectly.  
“Hello” came a small voice  
“Hi, I’m Jace” the blonde boy introduced.  
“I’m Alec,” replied the smaller boy.  
Their moment was interrupted by Mayrse who came strutting into the room.  
“Well, looks like you two have already met. Alec, this is the boy who is going to stay with us. Take care of him alright?”  
“Yes mum,” Alec nodded and turned to offer Jace a small smile.  
And from that moment onwards, Jace felt his once lonely and cold life turning warmer.

It had only been a few months, but Jace soon found himself surrounded by lots of new company. Not only had he gained new parents, but also new siblings. He had a new sister, Isabelle, or Izzy, as they would usually call her. And his youngest brother, Max, who looked up to Jace a lot. And of course, there was Alec. The raven haired boy had done the most to make him feel welcomed and has helped him adapt to his new environment. He was always used to being alone, but now being part of the institute, he had to learn to train and work together with his fellow shadowhunters. It wasn’t an easy process, but Jace was slowly getting the hang of it.  
“Is this the best you’ve got?” he teased Alec as they were sparring .  
“Don’t get too cocky,” Alec replied as he swung another sword towards Jace. Clashes of swords soon followed as the two young boys continued with their battle. Jace has always been well trained, the training he had to undergo in the institute was a piece of cake, but somehow, he really enjoyed sparring with Alec. Alec was agile yet cautious, always analyzing his opponents movements and then making a decision on how to attack. He always seemed to know his opponent’s weak spots, and where best to strike. But Jace was faster. With a flick of the wrist, Jace managed to fling Alec’s sword off his grip.  
“I win, as usual,” he grinned cheekily. Alec gave a tired smile.  
“Yeah, you’re really good honestly,” the shorter boy admitted and picked up his sword from the floor. The two then headed out of the training room to the main hall.  
“Say, don’t I get a reward for thrashing your butt?” Jace bumped shoulders with Alec. Alec raised his eyebrows in response questionably.  
“There’s this new mundane movie coming out, lets go watch it later,” he grinned. Alec chuckled.  
“I don’t know Jace… we..”  
“Come on Alec, we deserve a break after training for so long,”  
Looking at his excited brother, Alec didn’t have the heart to turn him down.  
“Okay…” he softly replied. Whatever makes you happy  
Jace cheered after Alec agreed. The two went to wash up and then they were out on the mundane streets to the movies. The two walked in silence, occasionally talking about random things with Jace cracking stupid jokes occasionally, earning tiny giggles from Alec. As much as Alec hated to admit, having Jace around was really nice. No doubt, the boy could be a little cocky and stubborn at times, Jace was a good person deep down and he never failed to brighten up Alec’s day. He taught him what it was like to enjoy life, helping him forget about the stress he gets from his parents.  
As they were approaching the junction, Jace caught sight of two boys younger than their age. Judging from their looks, they were definitely brothers. The two were laughing happily. When the traffic light turned green, the older one picked up his younger brother’s hand gently and they crossed the road, with their mum. Living with his dad, Jace has never experienced what it was like to be loved or anything that was close to affection. Absorbing the moment in front of him, he turned to look at Alec who was too engrossed in observing their surroundings, New York City is very beautiful at night.  
Slowly and cautiously, Jace reached his hand down, wrapping Alec’s smaller hands in his. Alec’s breath hitched for a moment when Jace held his hand, for the first time ever.  
“W-What are you doing?” Alec asked cautiously.  
“I don’t know, I saw two brothers doing this just now. Isn’t this what brother’s do?” Jace asked innocently.  
Alec didn’t respond after that, allowing Jace to hold his hand as they walked to the cinema. His heart pounded against his chest, in a way he had never felt before. But whatever he was feeling, he knew he liked it.

Time flew by quickly and soon Alec and Jace have became teenagers. Jace was always in the center of attention, well known not only for his excellent performance during trainings but also his devilishly good looks. He was tall and well built from all his trainings. His skin was nicely tanned, his golden eyes stole the hearts of many, in particular, girls. His blonde hair was always perfectly styled and he could easily pass off as a model on vogue.  
Alec on the other hand was always beside Jace, covering his back when they were on missions. In comparison, he wasn’t as noticeable as Jace. The boy was shorter than the blonde and was smaller in size too, which had always been one of his insecurities. Despite that, Alec had grown beautifully. Soft black hair falling over his forehead almost covering his eyes. His eyes, which Jace secretly loved, were a beautiful shade of blue. His face was small and nicely shaped. Most people in his position would be envious of the spotlight Jace was receiving but Alec felt otherwise. He was comfortable being in the shadow. He loved being beside Jace, helping him out during their missions, looking out for danger so the blonde can successfully slay every demon, drawing iratzes on him whenever he got injured. It was these small actions that not many noticed, but Jace definitely did. He wouldn’t be alive on many occasions if it weren’t for Alec always looking out for him.  
Throughout the years, Jace discovered many things about Alec too. Alec had a heart full of gold, and he was always so kind to everyone around him, always helping other shadowhunters in the institute whenever he could. He was kind not only to shadowhunters but to downworlders as well, which was a rare trait to find in shadowhunters.  
He also learnt that Alec was just like an ordinary teenage boy, he was a really artsy person actually. He always caught Alec writing poems and novels in his room, which he would beg the smaller boy to let him read to which Alec would disapprove, saying it was nonsense or embarrassing. The blue eyed boy also kept a camera, which he uses to snap pictures of random things in the institute or when they were having a day off in New York. He found it endearing everytime Alec would bend down by the roadside just to get a shot of some random pigeon or a cute puppy.  
“Oh by the angel, Alec, why are you taking pictures of a brick wall?” Jace said in amusement to the boy who was focusing with his camera. They were having a day off and the two decided to hang out in that particular street.  
“It’s called art,” Alec looked up from his camera, trying to muster an annoyed look, which in Jace’s opinion, failed terribly. He could never be angry with Jace. Jace laughed and ruffled the boy’s hair.  
“Hey how about this? Is this art to you?” The blonde boy leaned against the brick wall, brushing his hair back with his hands, eyes staring intently at Alec. The shorter boy gulped. Jace was very attractive, and as much as he didn’t want to admit, his heart stops every time those golden eyes look at him.  
“Well if this model shamlessly insists..” Alec chuckled nervously, barely managing to hide his awkwardness. He lifted his camera to snap a shot of the blonde.  
I wish I could capture moments like this everyday

The bond the two of them shared was not like any others. They were very close, even closer than biological brothers. Wherever Jace was, Alec would be there too. They shared secrets with each other, secrets they never trusted anybody with.  
Well, except for one secret  
Alec was sitting on the rooftop alone one night, gazing and the stars. The boy sighed as he stared at the beautiful city around him. There was so much on his mind these days, all revolving around a particular blonde head. He knew how the clave viewed homosexuality, being a gay shadowhunter is something that was looked down on in the shadow world. Along with the expectations his parents had of him, he knew coming out would lend him in a bad situation. Yet, enduring his feelings was just, painful. Should he tell him?  
A familiar voice broke his train of thoughts.  
“Alec! There you are, what are you doing out here?” Jace sat down beside him.  
“Nothing, just admiring the night view,” Alec mumbled. The two sat in silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s presence. Jace liked being around Alec. The boy always had a calming effect on him, he doesn’t know why but he feels he can be himself around him. Not the Jace who is popular or good at everything, just Jace. It was then Jace knew he wanted Alec by his side forever.  
“Alec,” he said his name gently. The two turned their heads to face each other. Alec’s breath stopped at the close proximity their faces were in.  
“I.. was thinking about something,” Jace started. Alec looked at him curiously.  
“Eversince I came to the institute, you have always been there for me. Making me feel at home here, watching my back during missions and so much more. I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier with anyone else than you,” Alec’s breath stopped. Was this really happening?  
“I feel like I can’t live without you,” At this point, Alec felt his heart racing, nervous at what’s going to come next.  
“I.. wanted to ask you if.. you would be my parabatai,” Alec’s heart dropped. Who was he to think Jace, the amazing Jace Wayland to fall for him. Jace would only love him as a brother, nothing more.  
But he couldn’t drag Jace down with him. He would do everything he could to make him happy, even if it meant not having his feelings reciprocated.  
“Yes, I would,” Alec smiled but deep down he was hurting.

Having a parabatai was like having their souls connected. Jace and Alec have never felt closer. It People said having a parabatai was a blessing, not many shadowhunters were lucky enough to find one. But for Alec, he had mixed feelings about it. On one hand, he enjoyed the feeling of being more connected with Jace but he also knew his feelings for Jace had to go. It was a crime for parabatais to fall in love, for his and Jace’s sake he had to give up harboring any hopes that would be a chance between the both of them. But that wasn’t as easy feat, especially when their lives were turned upside when Clary appeared in their lives.  
Upon meeting the girl, Jace felt an instant connection towards her. He felt that it was his duty to protect and help the girl find her mother, maybe because she reminded him of himself when he first arrived at the institute. His heart fluttered whenever he held her arms , trying to teach her how to use the various weapons shadowhunters worked with. Clary’s feistiness and strong headed personality was not something that everyone could deal with at first, but Jace was always there to reassure the girl and calm her down when she was getting hot headed. This, of course, did not go unnoticed by Alec, who could only watch helplessly as the one he loved, fall in love with someone else. The only thing he could do was to go along with Jace’s wishes and help Clary the best he could. Even if it means breaking a few rules. Alec was never a fan of challenging the clave’s authority, but whenever Jace looked at him with those golden eyes full of hope, he could not help but give in.  
“Do it for me,” Jace pleaded on another one of their “unapproved” missions.  
Alec sighed as he looked at his parabatai.  
“Okay,” he replied like always. Anything for you  
Slowly, Jace started spending more time with Clary, and less time with Alec. Usually, the blonde shadowhunter would come into Alec’s room, lay on his bed and ramble about how he was tired from all the training, or just to find some company with Alec. Now, he was the only one in his room at night. Eversince Clary’s arrival, Jace would always check up on her every night before they slept. Alec’s heart ached, knowing that he was in that position not long ago.

It was that very mission. Alec was supposed to follow Clary back to her old house to retrieve the mortal cup when they were ambushed by Valentine’s forces. As much as Alec tried to fight them off, they managed to get Clary. The look on Jace’s face when he found out Alec had lost her was something Alec had never seen in his life.  
His brows were furrowed, golden eyes that once looked at Alec with adoration now burned with anger.  
“What do you mean you lost her?!” Jace growled and he grabbed Alec by the shirt. Alec was too petrified to retort, Jace had never raised his voice at him.  
“Jace calm down, it’s not his fault!” Izzy reasoned.  
With one last glare, Jace shrugged Alec off and stormed off to decide on how to rescue Clary.  
They did eventually manage to get Clary back safe and sound. Hugging Clary tightly in his arms, the two leaned in to each other for a kiss. Alec turned away from the sight to stop his heart from breaking even more.  
Izzy placed a reassuring hand on Alec’s shoulder.  
“You don’t have to keep all your feelings in you know,” she said. Alec shook his head, knowing it was no use.

After regaining apart of her memories back, the team found themselves at the lair of Magnus Bane, who was supposedly the one who took her memories. Usually, Jace and Izzy were the ones who stood out the most amongst the three siblings. But Magnus’s attention was stolen by a certain small blue eyed shadowhunter. Although he may be hidden behind Jace’s taller figure, his blue eyes enchanted Magnus greatly. The way his lashes fluttered downwards when he looked down awkwardly was so endearing to look at for the warlock.  
“You guys are allowed to stay, but only because of the hot one,”  
“Thanks,” Jace and Izzy replied at the same time to which Magnus coughed.  
“Not you guys, I meant blue-eyed beauty over there,” he pointed at Alec. Alec’s eyes widened. Nobody has ever complimented him like that. Izzy smirked at Magnus’s flirting while Jace stared in shock. Sure, he knew his parabatai was good looking but he was always the one in the center of attention.  
Throughout the whole time, Jace caught the Warlock saying some stuff, probably flirtatious ones, to Alec, which caused the smaller shadowhunter to blush furiously. Sometimes, the blue eyed shadowhunter would laugh softly at something the warlock said. Jace didn’t know why but he felt his blood getting warmer as he watched their interactions. Maybe he was just worried that this warlock was taking advantage of his parabatai.  
When they had gotten the information they wanted, Magnus saw them to the door.  
“Stay safe shadowhunters. Especially you cutie, see you some time soon,” Magnus winked at Alec, making his face turn red. Jace cleared his throat.  
“Yeah we got it, thanks for your help,” Jace said coldly before they left.  
On the way back home, Izzy could not stop talking about Magnus.  
“Oh my god Alec, did you see that? He totally likes you,” she squealed, Clary and Simon nodded in agreement. Alec chuckled awkwardly.  
“Magnus is pretty nice but nah, he is probably just friendly,” he rubbed his neck nervously.  
“Oh come on, he gave you his number didn’t he? Oh my god Alec, is he going to ask you out on a date?!” Izzy said in excitement. Jace didn’t know why, but he definitely didn’t like what he was hearing.

The following months went by like a roller coaster. From Simon turning into a vampire, almost getting killed by demons to getting into trouble with the clave.  
“Do you guys know the seriousness of your actions?” Mayrse said sternly after finding out about how the siblings stopped Merlion from getting executed.  
“Alec, you as their older brother should have done better. Your skills aren’t as good as Jace’s and you can’t even do the basic of just obeying orders,” Mayrse glared at the said boy. He was never good enough. Jace was always the golden boy.  
Jace glanced at Alec, with guilt in his eyes. It was their fault, Alec did not deserve this. After they were dismissed, hugged him by the shoulder.  
“I’m sorry parabatai, it was our fault you got into trouble,”  
“It’s okay,” Alec replied softly. For Jace, it was all worth it.  
Alec always had his back, taking responsibility for Jace’s actions. And also when Jace was at his lowest.  
The team managed to track down Valentine and rescue Joslyn, and that was when Valentine reviewed that , Jace turned out to be Clary’s brother and Valentine’s son.  
“I’ll be back, and you will regret not coming with me.. son”. Those were his last words before he vanished.  
Jace stood there in shock. He was the son of an evil man, a man who killed millions of innocent people. He was horrified not just by his new found heritage but also the fact that he was in a relationship with his supposed sister. For once, Jace felt like his life was out of control. He felt powerless and lost. He felt awful for pushing Clary away, leaving the red head with tears flowing down her face.  
“You okay?” Alec squeezed his shoulder.  
“I don’t know Alec,” he sighed into his hands.

That night, Alec was lying peacefully on his bed, almost falling into deep slumber when he felt his bed dipped. He didn’t have to turn around to know who it was. His breath hitched when he felt a strong chest pressed against his back and muscled arms wrap around his waist.  
“Jace?” he breathed out. The last time they slept together like this was when they were kids.  
“I’m sorry Alec, I can’t sleep,” he noticed the crack in his voice. Alec turned around to find himself face to face with a teary eyed Jace. Jace rarely broke down.  
“Hey, it’s going to be okay, I’m here for you,” Alec hugged his parabatai back, rubbing his back in comfort. Jace hugged the smaller boy tightly, burying his face in Alec’s shoulder as tears that he tried so hard to hold back, escaped. They spent the night like that, hugging the other and crying till they fell asleep.  
“I will always be here for you Jace, because I love you,” Alec whispered the last few words when Jace fell asleep.  
The next few days, Alec tried his best to cheer Jace up. Always offering a comforting smile whenever their eyes met, asking Jace if he wanted to go out after training and making sure Jace did not push himself too hard on missions or trainings.  
Jace had never felt more thankful to his parabatai. Despite getting his parabatai into trouble and neglecting him, Alec was the first one he could turn to during his break down. Unconsciously, he found himself going to Alec’s room every night. The blonde would usually slip himself into his parabatai’s bed and hug the smaller boy, like it was some sort of routine. He felt warm and safe in Alec’s room.  
Alec on the other hand would allow Jace to do what he wanted. Although his heart would beat rapidly everytime those tanned arms wrap around him, Alec would return the favor. Alec knew that Jace is just seeking temporary comfort from him as a brother, and soon he would find someone he liked again.  
“I’m so lucky to have you,” Jace sighed into his hair one night when he was hugging Alec from behind one night. Alec smiled a sad smile, knowing his feelings were only platonic. But Alec decided that he would treasure every moment he could spend with Jace like that, even if they could never be something more.

It was one evening after one of their missions, where they had to stop a group of rouge vampires from killing mundanes. After taking a shower, Jace decided to look for his parabatai in his room to kill is boredom. Without knocking, he pushed opened the door to find the smaller boy lying on his bed, writing something in that notebook of his. Jace always wondered what was in that notebook.  
“Hey Alec, what’s that you’re writing?” he asked. The black- haired male flinched, not noticing the blonde’s presence earlier as he was too focused on his task.  
“Nothing much, just some random poems and stuff”, Alec quickly closed his notebook and shoved it into the drawer by his bed.  
“That’s what you always say, when are you going to let me read it,” Jace chuckled and sat himself comfortably on Alec’s bed.  
“Well…when the time is right I guess..” Alec replied softly and watched as Jace fumbled with his camera that was sitting by his bed side.  
“Do you have any new photos in here?” Jace stared at Alec’s camera in his hands. They had been so busy with Valentine, Jace wondered if Alec had any time for photography. He hoped Alec did because he had seen the amazing photos Alec had taken, and boy, was he talented. To his delight, Alec nodded and gently took the camera from his hands. Turning on the camera, Alec scrolled through his gallery. The two sat cross legged, side by side on Alec’s bed, as he talked about the photos he took. There was one with Clary and Jocelyn after Jocelyn woke up and Alec thought it would be nice to help the mother and daughter pair take a reunion picture. There was another of Izzy, taken on top of some building when the sun was setting, and many others, mostly pictures of the streets, their friends and things which Alec found intriguing.  
Jace listened quietly as Alec was talking about every photo. His body leaning closer to Alec’s to admire the pictures on his camera. He enjoyed listening to Alec talk about the things he liked, finding it endearing how Alec found random things like pigeons and street lamps interesting and worth taking pictures of. Unconsciously, his eyes drifted from the camera to the boy next to him. He watched as Alec’s blue eyes sparkled when he was talking, and how he giggled or smiled shyly at some moments.  
“Actually I realized, you don’t really have to look hard for something to photograph. My favourite pictures are still those of the people I love,” Alec smiled to himself. Realizing that Jace has been quiet, he turned to look at Jace beside him, which he kind of regretted. He had forgotten how close they were sitting to each other, and now their faces were so close that he could feel the blonde’s breathing on his face.  
Jace stared into the blue eyes in front of him, they were like the ocean, calming and mesmerizing. He took in his parabatai’s features, his beautiful eyes, his sharp jawline and his soft pink lips. The next moment went by in a blur. Jace found himself leaning forward, pressing his lips against Alec’s.  
Alec froze as he felt Jace’s slightly chapped lips on his own. He felt like he was dreaming. No way this was happening.  
The blonde was surprised at how soft the other’s lips was, and can’t help but deepen the kiss, involuntarily wrapping his hands around Alec’s arms and pulling the boy closer to him. Alec closed his eyes and allowed the blonde to do as he liked. Just as Alec was enjoying the moment, Jace suddenly pulled back, his eyes wide with shock. He could not believe he actually did that. He kissed his parabatai, his brother.  
“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that,” Jace stuttered and hurriedly climbed off Alec’s bed.  
“Jace,” Alec’s voice quivered, hurt evident in his voice.  
“I have to go,” without sparing Alec another look, Jace dashed out of his room, leaving Alec alone with tears streaming down his face.  
Jace regretted this. He found it disgusting.  
That night, Alec cried himself to sleep. He had his hopes raised, only to have it broken. He had no idea how he would face Jace the next morning.

The following day, when the team met for a briefing about another mission, Alec could sense the tension and awkwardness between the both of them. He could tell Jace was purposely avoiding eye contact with him throughout the whole meeting. When the rest of the team went off, leaving the both of them alone, Alec tried to salvage the situation.  
“Jace, we should talk,” Alec started. Jace sighed.  
“Look Alec, I know what happened last night was my fault. I-I, made a mistake.” Alec’s heart broke hearing his words. He was a mistake.  
“Let’s just forget about what happened,” Jace said guiltily. But Alec could sense that he was trying to cover up his feelings. He felt the anger rising inside of him. This was how Jace saw him, after all these years. He was just a back up to everything.  
“Oh, so now you want to act like nothing existed. What do you take me for? A toy that you could play with and throw aside?” Alec shot back.  
“Well, what do you want me to do then? We’re parabatais, what we did last night was not right!” Jace yelled.  
“So you’re just going to brush aside whatever we have?” Alec’s voice cracked. Jace looked down with guilt.  
“I think we’re both confused. It’s just a temporary phase we have to get over. You can’t possibly have feelings for me just after that kiss” he tried to argue but deep down his heart said otherwise.  
“Oh yeah? How do you know the feelings I have are only recent?” Alec stared at Jace as a tear rolled down his cheek.  
Jace looked at him in shock. No it can’t be  
“I always have” More tears streamed down his cheeks. Jace was bewildered, unable to believe what was happening.  
“When you asked me to be your parabatai, a part of me felt like dying because I know, you would never feel the same way. And I guess, I was right all along,” Alec said in tears. Jace felt like beating himself up. How stupid he was for not realizing, after so many years.  
“Alec, I..”  
“It’s okay. You don’t have to do anything. Like you said, this isn’t right. I shouldn’t even have harbored hopes after we became parabatai,” Alec interrupted.  
“I’m sorry Jace, for ever liking you in the first place,” and with that Alec ran away, tears spilling from his eyes.  
“Alec!” Jace called out to him. The guilt he felt just multiplied by thousands. Alec had been hurting for so long and he was the cause of it. It was then Jace realized he felt something special for Alec. He did not know when those feelings developed but he knew, it has always been Alec. He wanted to run after Alec, apologize for everything and hug the smaller boy. While thinking about how he should patch things up with Alec, he got called down for a mission which he honestly had no mood for. He would have to think of a way to resolve things with Alec later.

Alec was walking along the streets, feeling empty. He cried as recalled the look of regret on Jace’s face earlier. Of course he would never feel anything, they will only be brothers. As the boy continued wondering aimlessly, he suddenly felt someone forcing a cloth over his mouth and his world turned black.

“Have you seen Alec?” Jace asked Izzy after returning back to the institute.  
“No, haven’t seen him since morning,” Izzy shrugged. Jace sighed, thinking that Alec was avoiding him. He took out his phone to ring Alec but his call went to voice mail.  
“Alec, I’m sorry, please come back,” he said helplessly into the phone.

When he blinked his eyes open, Alec found himself in a dark warehouse. The black- haired boy tried to move but he realized his hands and legs were tied up. He squirmed about trying to find a way to untie himself, however his efforts were useless.  
As if on cue, the door of the warehouse opened, revealing Valentine and three of his men. He grinned evilly when he saw the boy struggling.  
“Well well, look who we have here,” he said gleefully. Alec glared back at the said man.  
“What do you want? If it’s the cup, you can continue dreaming,” he hissed. Valentine laughed.  
“Oh, it’s not the cup my dear,” Valentine kneeled down so he was levelled with Alec. “I just want Jace back,”. Alec fumed.  
“You’re a sick man. You’ve ruined his childhood” Alec cursed, to which Valentine laughed.  
“That boy should be thankful I spared his life when I killed his parents,” Alec’s eyes widened at his words.  
“You.. You lied!” Alec said in anger. The said man smirked.  
“I may not be his father by blood, but I have been raising him even before he was born,” Alec frowned in confusion. Valentine stood up and paced around the room.  
“You see, when Celine Herondale was pregnant, I decided to experiment. I gave her angel blood which her baby absorbed as well, of course.” Alec stared at the man in horror, disgusted by his deed.  
“When I killed Celine and her husband, I had to take what’s mine. That baby that had been feeding on the angel blood, he would become the most powerful shadowhunter the shadow world has ever seen!” Valentine said with pride.  
“And that baby, is none other than your parabatai Jace,” he turned to look at the boy, who was shaking with anger.  
“You killed Jace’s parents, you deserve to go to hell!” Alec spat.  
“Oh no, that boy should be grateful. He is so strong now because I was the one who gave him the blood of Ithuriel,” He bent down towards Alec with a smug expression on his face.  
“I won’t let you hurt Jace,” Alec said through gritted teeth.  
“Protective parabatai eh? You’re a gorgeous one aren’t you? I’m surprised Jace didn’t have you for himself and asked you to be his parabatai instead,” he reached out to caress the boy’s face. Alec flinched.  
“Listen here boy, you will do as I say and I shall spare you,”. Out of anger, the boy raised his bounded legs and sent a hard kick right into Valentine’s stomach. The man fell backwards and coughed. His expression changed, as if a switch that had been flicked inside of him.  
“You will regret this,” he said in a deep voice. From the back of his pocket, he drew out a dagger and began tracing the runes on Alec’s arms. Alec’s shivered in fear. But there was no way he would betray Jace, even if it would cost his life. Alec was prepared for what’s about to happen but Valentine’s next few words made his blood run cold.  
“It’ll be a shame to let someone so pretty like you go. I shall let my men have some fun tonight,” he said darkly.  
The next thing he knew, he was held down by Valentine’s men. He struggled and squirmed as he felt rough hands roaming his body. One of the men bent over and started kissing down his neck, making the frightened boy scream more.  
“No! Stop, please!” he cried harder when he felt his clothes getting ripped apart. The men laughed, enjoying the sight of the shadowhunter crying helplessly.  
Whatever happened that night was something no shadowhunter and even men would never want to experience.

It was almost midnight and Jace was pacing around the institute anxiously.  
“Why isn’t he back yet?” Izzy said worriedly.  
“He isn’t answering his phone either,” Clary added after trying to call Alec for the hundredth time.  
Jace sighed into his palms, he didn’t expect Alec to avoid him to this extent of not coming home.  
Suddenly, the blonde felt a sharp pain on his hip. He groaned and clutched the area. The pain grew sharper and sharper, making the blonde yell in pain. Izzy and Clary looked up in shock.  
“Jace what’s wrong?”  
“I don’t know.. it’s ah!” he doubled over as he felt the intense pain again. His blood ran cold when he figured out where the pain was coming from. His parabatai rune. He lifted up his shirt and to his horror, his parabatai rune started fading.  
“Alec!” he cried. Izzy and Clary glanced worriedly at each other.  
“We need to find him!” Izzy said, panick evident in her voice.  
As if on cue, one of their shadowhunters came running through the doors, in his hand was a brown package.  
“Somebody was outside and he wanted to pass this to Jace,” he handed the package to Jace.  
Jace stared at the package, and hurriedly tore it open. He reached his hand inside and to his horror, he pulled out a black shirt. It wasn’t just any black shirt, it was the black shirt Alec was wearing in the morning. Along with the shirt, came a pair of black jeans which Jace immediately recognized as Alec’s. He felt his body go numb.  
A white note fell out of the package.  
Come to the address alone if you want to find your parabatai  
Jace’s body shook with anger. He was going to kill whoever took Alec.  
Crushing the paper, he was about to make his way out when Clary pulled his arm.  
“Jace, I know you’re worried but this is too dangerous,”  
“I don’t care. I have to find Alec,” Jace shrugged her hand off and dashed out of the institute to the address on the note. Izzy and Clary looked at each other worriedly.  
“We need backup!” Izzy ordered.

Following the address, Jace found himself outside an abandoned warehouse. Wearily, he pushed opened the doors.  
“Alec?” He called out to the boy but there was no answer. Jace navigated and searched through the towers of cargo in the warehouse, hoping to find Alec somewhere. As he was around a stack of boxes, he spotted something covered by a blue cloth in the middle of the room.  
Jace’s heart thumped loudly against his chest, dreading to find out what’s underneath the cloth. With shaky breaths he made his way towards the lump. The smell of blood invaded his nostrils. He bent down slowly, and he slowly lifted the cloth up with shaky hands.  
His breath hitched at the sight. Underneath the cloth was a bloodied body of a boy. Jace’s body shooked as he brushed away the black hair that was covering the boy’s face  
“Alec?” he said shakily, as he recognized the bruised face of the boy.  
It was a sudden snap back into reality. Jace’s vision become blurred by tears as he examined the state his parabatai was in. His body which used to be covered by runes were replaced with bloody wounds. His runes were carved out.  
“Alec…. No please, no this is not happening!” He carried the boy’s cold body in his arms and sobbed violently.  
“Alec, I’m so so sorry,” he choked through tears as he cradled Alec’s body. The blonde let out a cry of anguish, feeling injustice at what Alec had gone through in his last few moments of living.  
The blonde cried his heart out while holding his ex parabatai. How he regretted the things he said in the morning. He had hurt the boy so much for so long. Jace felt his world crashing, the pain from losing a parabatai was something he would rather die than experience. It was like a part of him was gone.  
“You didn’t deserve to go through this. I’m sorry for not protecting you,” Jace sobbed as he placed his hand on Alec’s pale face, his thumb stroking his cold cheek.  
“Alec…” he cried and hugged Alec tightly to his chest, crying painfully against the boy’s forehead.  
“Aw what a touching scene,” the sound of clapping echoed throughout the warehouse. Jace’s head snapped up, he felt his blood boil when he recognized the voice, or more specifically who had hurt Alec.  
“You should have seen how he was. I must say you found yourself a really loyal parabatai even I am envious,” Valentine laughed in amusement. Jace’s hold on Alec tightened and his body shake with anger.  
“And not to mention, a really pretty one too,” Valentine smirked and his men laughed in agreement.  
“Seriously Jace, I thought you had gotten laid with him because he is such a beauty,” Jace burned with anger at his words. Even after killing the boy, he still continued to disrespect him.  
“Your loss Jace. Well, at least my boys had a fun time with him tonight didn’t you guys?” Valentine chuckled evilly and his men laughed along. Jace’s breath hitched as he started to realize what else had happened. He felt his body burn with fire, the anger and hatred in him rising. Not only was Alec’s runes carved out, his modesty was outraged.

The blonde removed the leather jacket he was wearing and wrapped it around Alec’s bare body before laying his body gently on the ground. Jace stood up slowly, glaring at Valentine and his men with fire in his eyes.  
“Which one of you touched Alec,” he hissed and pointed at the group of men.  
“I did,”  
“Me”  
Jace was mortified, seeing the number of men who had sexually assaulted Alec and were proud of admitting it.  
“I swear to the angels I’m going to make sure all of you die today,” Jace said venomously.  
He drew out his blade and charged angrily towards them.  
Jace fought against the men, slashing violently at them. He managed to stab one of them in leg and sent another flying towards the wall. He vowed to send them all to hell and avenge Alec. Once the last man was down, he ran towards Valentine, sword aimed at the man’s chest.  
“By the order of the clave, you’re under arrest Valentine,”  
Jace looked towards the entrance to find the shadowhunters there, ready to bring the wanted man to prison.

Izzy and Clary hurried to the warehouse together with Simon, Luke, magnus and a few of their other acquaintances. They had managed to track Jace down to the warehouse with the help of Magnus’s magic. They watched as the shadowhunters walked out of the warehouse with Valentine and his accomplice in handcuffs.  
Behind them, was Jace. The blonde walked out wearily from the warehouse and in his arms was a motionless Alec.  
“Alec?!” Izzy cried seeing her brother’s lifeless body and she rushed to Jace’s side. Clary followed.  
“Oh no,” Luke’s expression turned grave, upon realizing the situation.  
Jace fell onto his knees, still carrying Alec in his arms. Izzy knelt down beside them, choking on tears.  
“Alec, Alec!” she cried as she shaked Alec’s cold body. Clary broke down and Simon pulled her into her hug to offer her comfort. His face full of grief as he looked at Alec.  
Magnus watched the siblings, tears falling down his cheek. He had always liked Alec, he was different from the other shadowhunters. He was humble and kind to downworlders, and on many occasions the warlock had tried to ask Alec out and hinted to him that he liked him. His heart broke knowing Alec had to go in such a painful way.  
Jace felt the worst. He was crying and screaming in sadness as he stroked Alec’s hair. He never got to tell Alec how he felt, and now the boy was gone forever. A few of the shadowhunters had to take Alec’s body back to the institute but Jace clutched on to his body.  
“No, I’m not leaving him! Don’t take him away!” he cried. Luke and Clary had to hold him down reluctantly so the shadowhunters could take Alec, Jace struggled and cried against their grip.  
“Alec! Alec!” he yelled for him in tears as he watched the shadowhunters taking Alec’s body away.

Dressed in a white suit, Jace stood outside the mortuary with lifeless eyes. He watched as friends and acquaintances entered and exited the room, all have come to pay their last respects to Alec. They all offered their condolences to Jace, some of them giving him hugs or patting his shoulder, as a way of telling him to stay strong. Finally, it was Jace’s turn.  
Closing the door behind him, he walked slowly towards the center of the room where Alec’s body was resting in the casket. He looked at the still body. Alec’s eyes were closed, his long eyelashes resting against his cheekbones and his hands were laid on his chest. His face and lips were pale but to Jace, he looked like a sleeping angel.  
Jace brought a hand up to Alec’s cheek, feeling the cold skin beneath his palms.  
“Hey angel, you look beautiful today. You always do,” Jace whispered as he stroked Alec’s cheekbones tenderly.  
Then it hit him, Alec is gone. Forever. And he is never coming back. Tears once again spilled from his eyes.  
“You’ve been through so much yet you always put us before yourself. Always having our backs, bearing the consequences of our mistakes, sometimes I wonder how your body is able to contain so much love and kindness,” Jace sniffed as tears trickled down his face.  
“You have been the best brother, the best parabatai, yet I kept hurting you,” his voice cracked.  
“I’m sorry for not caring enough, I’m sorry for being selfish. And most importantly, I’m sorry for never telling you how much I love you,” Jace broke down, holding Alec’s cold hands in his.  
“It’s always been you. I was just too much of a coward to admit it,” Jace ran his fingers through Alec’s hair, brushing his fringe away from his eyes. The blonde leaned down, resting his forehead against Alec’s.  
“I love you, Alec. So so much,” he whispered tearfully. He moved up to place a short kiss on the boy’s forehead.  
“Sleep well angel, you’re in a better place now,” he leaned down to kiss Alec’s cheek. He stood up, looking at Alec one last time.  
“Goodbye Alec, I will always love you,” and with that he left the mortuary.  
Izzy stood outside with puffy eyes, upon seeing Jace she embraced the blonde tightly and cried with him.  
“I miss him so much Iz,” Jace said heartbrokenly as he hugged his sister.  
“I know Jace, we all do,” she sobbed.  
Luke who just arrived rubbed Jace’s shoulder.  
“You have to stay strong Jace, for Alec,” he said. Jace sighed and thanked him softly.  
“Can I still go in?” Luke asked.  
“Yeah, you’re the last visitor,” Izzy nodded and Luke proceeded to the mortuary.  
She took Jace’s arm gently.  
“We need to get ready,” she looked at Jace and he nodded back.  
A few hours later, the shadowhunters of the institute gathered together.The funeral went by quickly. The atmosphere was somber as the silent brothers offered some last prayers. Sobs echoed throughout the funeral hall as they sent Alec off. Jace watched as the silent brothers took the coffin away. It was goodbye for good.

Jace pushed opened the familiar doors and stepped into Alec’s bedroom. He observed every detail in the room, recalling the times when he spent here with Alec. It was like Alec never left, the blonde could feel the boy’s presence and spirit. Alec would always be a part of him.  
Slowly, he sat down on Alec’s bed, remembering how he would slip into his bed and hug the boy to sleep at night. His eyes landed on a familiar object- the brown notebook Alec always wrote in. Gingerly he picked up the book, running his hands over the tattered cover. With a deep breath, he flipped open the pages slowly, reading its contents.  
Just like Alec had always said, the book contained poems and random writings he wrote. Jace was amazed as he read through Alec’s writings, the boy was really talented. The poems he written were creative, some of them witty and so relatable. The book also had short stories, there was one about a dog who was retelling the happenings of the world war from its perspective- a very Alec story. But what caught Jace’s attention the most were the little reflections Alec has written about life, reading it was like reliving Alec’s life again. Jace laughed fondly at some of the entries, like the one where Alec was criticizing Izzy’s fashion sense of being too loud and over the top and how he feels that simple outfits were more stylish.  
What’s the point of wearing skin tight leather pants when you can just settle for baggy ripped jeans. Your leather pants are gonna rip anyway.  
I swear one day denim is going to be back in trend.  
Jace chuckled to himself, he can totally imagine Alec rambling about this.  
Jace read through every entry and finally he reached the last one. His eyes ran over Alec’s neat handwriting, and the tears that he had told himself not to shed escaped once again.  
Loving someone can be painful  
But seeing them smile and hearing them laugh  
It’s all worth it

[3 years later, back to the present]

Jace looked across the room after recounting his story. Some people were crying, some were touched, others bowed their heads down, remembering the events that happened over the last three years.  
Jace cleared his throat before he continued.  
“And so, I would like to dedicate this day to Alec lightwood, to the boy I loved,” Soft gasps were heard throughout the room at Jace’s confession.  
“As shadowhunters, we are always told that having feelings was a distraction. But having feelings is what makes us humans, we are half mortals after all.” Jace’s voice echoed, earning nods and whispers that agreed with him.  
“Three years ago, I made the mistake of not acknowledging my feelings and not allowing myself to feel. And because of that, I was never able to tell Alec how much I loved him. As head of the institute, one of the first things I want to correct is the discrimination against homosexuality in the shadow world. It’s time we spread love and we should be able to love who want without giving a damn about what the world thinks,” he said with determination.  
Cheers erupted in the hall. A loud applause followed, all showing support for their new head of institute. Jace gave a small bow before stepping down the podium.  
“By the angel Jace, you were amazing!” Izzy hugged the blonde after he joined them.  
“You were great up there Jace,” Clary smiled.  
“Woah dude, that was even more awesome than the president! I’m speechless,” Simon said excitedly.  
“Thanks guys,” Jace chuckled and thanked a few more people who congratulated him. He was heartened when a few shadowhunters approached him, telling him how they now had the courage to come out and not be afraid to be themselves.  
“You really did Alec proud, Jace” Luke patted the blonde’s shoulder. Jace smiled. He knew somewhere out there Alec was smiling with pride and watching over him. He did not know why but he felt that Alec was always there, and had never left him.

It was another busy night in the downworld, with pubs and restaurants filled with downworlders. The Jade wolf was no different. The kitchen was busy serving out food to the customers seated in the restaurant.  
Luke was standing by the bar table, cleaning a few glasses.  
“Jackson, we need two more plates of fried noodles!” he called out to the head chef in the kitchen, before returning to the task at hand.  
Unbeknownst to the customers who were busy with their own conversations, the door of the restaurant opened and a small figure walked in. He was clad in blue ripped jeans, a black bomber jacket hanging on his small frame. His face was covered by a black adidas cap, the only thing that was uncovered were his ears which were adorned with many silver ear studs, on his lobe, cartilage and inner ears. The figure kept walking, before finally stopping in front of the bar table Luke was at. The werewolf was busy and had not notice the newcomer.  
“Hey Luke,” came a gentle voice.  
Luke looked up when he noticed a new presence. The figure removed his cap, revealing his blue-dyed hair, which complimented the color of his eyes. The frown on Luke’s face disappeared and he broke into a fond smile as he found himself looking into the familiar pair of blue eyes.  
“Welcome back, Alec”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this long ass one shot :')  
> Even in the saddest times, there will always be hope.  
> The message I want to bring across here is that- don't be afraid to let yourself feel. Feeling something doesn't make you weak or vulnerable, in fact acknowledging your feelings is something very brave to do.  
> If you truly love and treasure someone, don't be afraid to let them know because you never know when they may just go.  
> Thanks for reading till here, sending you all love and support. Wishing you all a happy new year ahead :)


End file.
